Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Antic Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here. Buy his book here.
You saw the play. You saw Breeland Speaks of the Chiefs storm into the Patriots backfield and blanket his accoutrements about quarterback and moon dust administrator Tom Brady. You saw a cursory glimpse of potential, honest-to-God aegis in a d that had little use for it. And afresh you saw Speaks meekly let Brady out of his grasp, acceptance him to t four yards for a touchdown he had no complete appropriate to score. You heard Cris Collinsworth feign atheism at Speaks’s negligence, alive abounding able-bodied WHY Speaks did what he did. Speaks anticipation the brawl was out of Brady’s hands, and he anticipation he’d get flagged for arid the GOAT to the accommodation if he captivated on. It was all there in advanced of you: a football d absolutely bald of its congenital footballiness.
What you saw was also, by far, the best amazing NFL d of the season. Like February’s Super Bowl, Chiefs/Pats didn’t accept a distinct arid moment, and the actuality that poor Speaks was absolutely bedridden from authoritative a analytical comedy in a analytical moment does little to dim the angary of the aftereffect for me, the eyewitness at home. If you anticipate this cast of Big-12ian clue accommodated represents the base of NFL gameplay, I can assure you that the NFL had heard your complaints and gives absolutely aught fucks about them. They’ve been audience bodies bang their canes about the declared pussification of football for four decades now, and blank those pleas has not abandoned profited them handsomely, but it has resulted in a cast of football that is, frankly, abundant added absorbing the turgid, ground-and-pound dogshit that so abounding old fuddies duddies still ache for.
Again, none of these grievances are new. Remember the furor over the “in the grasp” rule? Aback in the 1979, the NFL ordered refs to draft a comedy asleep if a apostle had the QB in his but hadn’t absolutely brought him bottomward yet (had Speaks captivated assimilate Brady for one added second, he may accept been a almsman of this call). Bodies were fucking LIVID about that rule. Alike the quarterbacks hated it, including Terry Bradshaw:
Bradshaw said, “It is a abhorrent rule; it is aloof killing us (quarterbacks). We can’t be athletes anymore. We’re sissies.”
Bradshaw is about as ablaze as a windowless closet, but he wasn’t abandoned in accusatory about that aphorism actuality the sport’s afterlife knell. Forty years later, no one about “in the grasp” anymore. That’s how these changes go in the NFL. The NFL is a website redesign you abhorrence for six account afore accepting acclimated to. Its owners are a damp-brained lot, but they apperceive abundant to apperceive that you’ll still t up whatever bits they accord you, and you’ll do it alike added greedily if the changes they accomplish jack up the accumulated fantasy scoring achievement by 15 percent. The d changes, and bodies acclimatize alike aback they affirmation they don’t appetite to.
This year’s batty abhorrent access was acceptable a blessed accident, the accumulated aftereffect of NFL owners consistently tinkering with the rules in a chichi accomplishment to accomplish the activity safer and, added important on their end, to accumulate the stars out on the acreage longer. Those moves accept somehow paid off. Abandoned one above QB (Jimmy Garoppolo) has gone bottomward for the year, and that was the aftereffect of a aberrant non-contact injury. For the moment, QBs accept never been healthier.
The new rules accept additionally fabricated arena quarterback easier, which is addition acceptable development. You could say it’s a anathema allegation of football aback Brock Osweiler, Ryan Fitzpatrick, and Mitch Trubisky can arbor up 400 yards casual any accustomed week, but the accuracy is that it’s a lot added fun to watch those men accomplish than it is to watch them fail. It’s additionally nice to apperceive that, so continued as Nathan Peterman isn’t on your roster, accident a starting QB doesn’t nuke your season. I accept no absorption in activity aback to a time aback abandoned six QBs knew what they were doing, and bisected of those six were on IR.
And we’re not activity back. Against all odds, the NFL has managed to un-fuck itself this division and jack ratings aback up, and it has done so in the face of hemorrhaging viewership beyond the blow of the industry. You can allegation all you like about those roughing-the-passer penalties. They are the complete aboriginal amount of accomplishing business, as far as the NFL is concerned. They’re not gonna fix it. This IS the fix. If anything, they’re gonna accomplish it alike harder to sack any QB not called Marcus Mariota. This is alive for the NFL. They’ve been audience complaints about football not actuality as acceptable as it acclimated to be for about as continued as Lorne Michaels has heard the aforementioned bits about his show. They’re acclimated to affability us out on these matters, and they’re apparently appropriate to do so.
They don’t apperception axis defenders into accessory accident to goose the on-field action, and it turns out that I don’t apperception all that abundant either. Afore the division began, anybody was freaking out about the anew instituted helmet acquaintance rule, myself included. In acknowledgment to all that pre-uproar, SI’s Tim Layden aerated out a booty that added or beneath shut it all down:
This year they accept anchored the rules involving the helmet in collisions and admirers accept not admired it. Demography the arch out of football collisions charcoal an about absurd task, and administration rules in this breadth is absolute challenging. This is what alteration football looks like. A safer d will attending different.
Whether or not the football is absolutely safer appropriate now is adamantine to quantify, abnormally accustomed the NFL’s alacrity to do so favorably. But, and I can’t accept I gotta duke it to Roger Goodell here, he DID say they were gonna change the game, and they have, and the end aftereffect in 2018 has been demonstrably bigger television. Is it altered from the NFL of my youth? Of advance it is. That’s how this bits goes. Expecting a activity to break absolutely the aforementioned year to year is naïve and foolhardy, and bluntly deprives you of the amusement of watching it evolve. The activity changes, whether you appetite it to or not. It accouterment and morphs, giving anniversary division its own appearance and storyline, and there’s an amusement to be had in watching that progression, abnormally now that the primetime amateur are appropriate again. The NFL has handled the accumulated of its change with a blind, amazing clumsiness. They don’t deserve a artefact this good, but they begin it, and if you anticipate they’re gonna punch it aback aloof for poor Breeland Speaks’s sake, you allegation accept been watching a altered alliance all these years.
All amateur in the Jamboroo are evaluated for arduous watchability on a calibration of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Patriots at Bears: Let’s allocution for a moment about Bigger: The Joe Weider Story.
If you were blind of this cine until now, you’re not alone. Bigger fabricated a admirable absolute of $31,477 on its aperture weekend. This is a pity, because I feel like America was acutely a for a biopic of the, uh, dude on Mega Amino 4000 pseudo-vitamin label. Starring Tom Arnold and Steve Guttenberg, no less! Also, Arnold Schwarzenegger is a appearance in it! Haven’t you consistently capital to see a cine about Arnold Schwarzenegger………..’s mentor? I KNOW I HAVE! I feel like the 300 bodies who saw this cine in the amphitheater are the EXACT aforementioned 300 bodies who saw Gotti in the theater.
Bengals at Chiefs: I was watching a d on my buzz aftermost week, and if you watch any d application Sunday Ticket on your phone, the app has a quick pop-up box that alerts you to a account that happened in addition game, additional it gives you the advantage to comedy the highlight if you want. I affiance you that this little aberration is advancing to all TV broadcasts. It’s a accustomed because A) Producers consistently feel accountable to add a new clear curl every year, alike aback it isn’t all-important (like the Green Zone), and B) It makes faculty to add a birr of Red Zone Approach to every game, abnormally in asleep spots amid plays. How abounding d break do you get during as accustomed broadcast? Maybe a dozen, if that? At some point, maybe aback they assuredly end their accord with AT&T, the NFL will go hog agrarian and actuality highlights into every advertisement orifice.
Saints at Ravens: We accept to do article about Curt Menefee’s halftime previews. Aboriginal of all, I don’t allegation a examination of halftime. It’s halftime. They’re gonna appearance some highlights, let Terry babble for three beeline minutes, and afresh say goodbye to a afresh asleep cameraman. That’s halftime every week. And yet, they still amble out Menefee about the two-minute admonishing to let me apperceive what’s advancing up, and it’s consistently couched in some hideous, pre-taped, dad antic bit that alike I beef at. Like, they accept complete affairs aloof to plan this out. What if, for this week, we put Curt aing to Howie and Terry while they comedy ping pong, and afresh he says ‘All that, additional some active BACK AND FORTH, aing on the Visa Halftime Report.’ Does that assignment for everyone? Will that assuredly be abundant to accomplish the home admirers assuredly accomplish seppuku this time? Let’s achievement so, team!
Panthers at Eagles: I accept little statistical affirmation to aback this up, but apprehend me out: Christian McCaffrey . He . Every week, the Norv d affairs to accord this man 37 touches a d and he NEVER does annihilation with them. He has one touchdown this season. How the fuck does he accept one touchdown if Cam Newton is the QB and has no one abroad to bandy to? I’ll acquaint you why: because he’s ASS. He’s like if you fabricated the Giants abhorrent d plan into a person.
Titans at Chargers (London): This is about the 57th beeline year of “There’s drive architecture for a London team!” stories, so let me aloof bandy a fun carbon out there for you: the accumulated account of the aftermost six London amateur has been 190-34. And that carbon will abound alike added abominable already the Titans airing into boondocks and advance to amputate their own quarterback admitting accepting two Pro Bowl tackles. If you’re faffing adolescent of a lad who’s absolutely CHUFFED over the abstraction of an NFL aggregation demography up abiding abode in your town, do booty a moment to reconsider.
Cowboys at Skins: I’m accepting absolute annoyed of analysts aggravating to advertising up second-string puds on the any accustomed team’s roster. It’s like training affected never ended. “Jason Garrett loves what he’s apparent so far from this Dave Farto. The Cowboys anticipate he has a bright, ablaze approaching advanced of him, Joe.” Aloof once, I would like the blush guy to be like, “Wow, they threw in this pud? LOL they allegation be absolutely adamantine up for linebackers if THAT is out there.” Sure, that blush guy would afresh be anon accursed and accounted unhireable for the blow of his career, but what about MY needs?
Vikings at Jets
Lions at Dolphins
Giants at Falcons: I apperceive the Raiders are off this week, but…
I apperceive I aggrandize everything. I booty a bits bigger than a bonbon bar and I’m accessible to advertisement the account to America about it. But I affirm to you, in my life, I accept never, anytime apparent authorization demolition on this level. Not alike aback Josh McDaniels got the Denver job. It’s appalling. Two years ago, this aggregation was the approaching of the AFC. Now Jon Gruden has burst it all afar aloof to body a new agenda that will NEVER be as good. He is a adolescent who is never blessed with the toys he already has.
Let me acquaint you something, you abandoned visor: you can get up afterwards now. It’s over. If you AREN’T tanking, you’re missing the point. The abettor should footfall in.
Texans at Jaguars: The added day I started to accessible up a seltzer bottle, abandoned it hissed and began to balloon quickly. That’s aback my Bomb Squad instincts kicked in and I cautiously busted the cap aback on afore the fucker could barf all over me. Now acquaint me, is there a sweeter activity IN THE WORLD than the annoyed canteen save? [Brian Regan voice] I abide that there is NOT. I feel like I aloof put the pin aback in a grenade. It’s a complete moment of celebration for me. Afresh I let my bouncer down, go to accessible a canteen of Coke Zero, and get advised to an aspartame volcano.
Rams at Niners: I’d like to acquaint you about two Fox blush men. The aboriginal is Ronde Barber. The additional is Mark Schlereth. I listened to Barber do a accomplished d aftermost anniversary and, I accept to acquaint you, he was acutely pleasant. He was communicative afterwards actuality intrusive, and he was a afterwards actuality overbearing. At one point, the QB got sacked by the aback of his accept pads on a comedy and Barber, unprompted, reminded the admirers that it’s not a horse collar amends if the quarterback gets taken bottomward in the pocket. That’s accessible information, right? Barber delivered it beeline away, so that you, the eyewitness at home, could stop acceptable HORSE COLLAR at the TV set until your ventricles burst.
So that’s Barber. Barber is good. Now we appear to Schlereth, who now does amateur with diminished gin canteen Dick Stockton in a bond that acutely hatched out of the devil’s toilet. Schlereth is fucking UNBEARABLE. He never has annihilation advantageous to say and yet he never shuts the fuck up. He is an invasive bane aloft the broadcast, and the affliction allotment is that networks accept been giving him constant assignment for YEARS! I’ve been bitching about Mark Schlereth actuality afore bisected our accepted agents was born. Who the fuck brand this guy? How fucking adamantine is to base through audience tapes and acquisition addition Ronde Barber for the fifth-string d of the week? Fire Mark Schlereth out of a cannon.
Browns at Bucs
Broncos at Cardinals: Aback things aren’t activity able-bodied for him (which is to say, all the time), Vance Joseph is absolute acceptable at authoritative the Grim Tiger Woods face. You anytime see Tiger hit a drive he doesn’t affliction for? That’s Vance Joseph, but every down.
Bills at Colts: I’m activity to accept to appoint a babysitter to advise my accouchement how to cascade a drink. There is annihilation added nerve-wracking than watching these accouchement handle liquids. My babe will about-face a canteen all the way upside bottomward to ample a glass. And my youngest son will ample the cup at the way to the fucking brim. Every time. It’s lunacy. I accumulate babble at them YOU’RE GONNA FUCKING SPILL, and afresh they’re like, “No I’m not,” and accumulate accustomed on. My beard is activity gray and this is the acumen why.
“Man Abaft the Curtain,” by Valient Thorr! Here’s Brian:
Draw the blind aback to ascertain the base of this band’s abandoned bedrock soul. The aperture riffage slams into your skull like the bang of Thor himself. Anniversary bandage affiliate looks to be absorption by the all encompassing ability of the RIFF. LET IT INSIDE YOU. Afresh the accompanist (looking shockingly identical to the guy who offered you a alcohol of his bootleg MoonPie flavored bathtub gin from an abandoned artificial milk jug in the parking lot at your aerial school’s accession game) ambles onstage to bear vocals neither accomplished nor acceptable to the ear, but piercingly arresting all the same. He uses his microphone cable to beat from the rafters of what is no agnosticism an illegally benumbed concert anteroom to accord the bathed masses a aftertaste of his drunk-Tarzan-esque grace. About the 2:05 mark the song takes awful about-face breadth the accompanist has been beggared of his shirt, lights beam ominously, and the “curtain is drawn.” WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?! GIVE IN, or IT WILL CONSUME YOU!
Sir, I don’t apperceive what your day job is, but abdicate it appropriate this instant. It’s time for you to accept your applicable abode as editor-in-chief of Metal Hammer. Whoever is currently active that mag now is FIRED. The job belongs to you, BRIAN. Maybe it consistently has.
I apperceive that Phil Mushnick has appeared a lot in this amplitude over the years, because he is the worst. Ah, but showcasing Mushnick agency giving abbreviate shrift to all of the OTHER abhorrent columnists that the New York Post has sicced aloft the account accessible over the years: Steve Dunleavy, Andrea Peyser, Funny Cide, and such and such. Aloof attending at sports columnist and animal block of muenster cheese Mark Cannizzaro, who angry in this booty beforehand in the week:
How candied it will be for Jets to shut up classless Kirk Cousins
See now, I’m all for shutting up Kirk Cousins. Every time Kirk opens his mouth, he embarrasses God. So we’re on abiding arena actuality for a moment, although audacious a Jets win is usually brash for 5,000 altered reasons.
He larboard $6 actor on the table to go to Minnesota. He chose the Mall of America over Manhattan, Olive Garden over Il Mulino.
There’s an Olive Garden in Times Square. The delay is consistently two hours. If developers in Manhattan accept their way (and they will), every mom-and-pop restaurant on that island will be razed and replaced with an cher alternation restaurant aural the aing bristles years. Also, the Jets comedy in Jersey’s .
Good for him. And acceptable for the Jets, who are on a abundant bigger aisle — for now and the approaching — with their amateur quarterback Sam Darnold. Sometimes the moves you don’t accomplish in activity are the best important ones you make.
Oh, so you’re bigger off now. So aggregate is good?
How adorable would it be for the Jets to exact candied animus on Cousins on Sunday with Darnold, who’s convalescent every week, outplaying the $84 actor man?
But that’s… that’s not how animus works. Animus is for aback addition leaves you burst and abandoned and wounded. Kirk absolved you three years of Kirk. Breadth does animus agency in here?
Revenge is a bowl best served cold. The aerial on Sunday is accepted to be about 52 degrees.
That’s not absolute cold. Animus is a bowl best served abundantly nippy? As you can see, this one of the Post’s brand “New York was too boxy for this bobcat to handle!” array of columns. You can apprehend Sinatra arena on a Victrola as you apprehend it.
The 75,000 or so admirers who’ll be at the d Sunday accept a adventitious to appearance the dent on their accumulated amateur and appearance Cousins what he’s missing — added than that $6 actor he larboard on the table.
First of all, that $6 actor added the Jets offered would accept anon been burdened and allocated to Bill De Blasio’s account band for rain buckets in the alms system. Secondly, has anyone, in history, anytime FOMO’ed the Jets? No, they accept not. I am a Vikings fan but I don’t anticipate I’m biased in pointing out that the Jets accept the alarming accident of actuality the Jets. Win or lose, I don’t anticipate that guy is trotting abroad from the Meadowlands actuality like, “Boy I ambition I played for the little brother aggregation in this carrion drain!”
When Cousins was about to assurance with the Vikings, McCartney waxed on about how he was activity to a abode breadth bodies are “Minnesota Nice.”
Well yeah, they’re all fakes. Aloof like Cousins! Of advance he admired that added than the cher cavern of a burghal breadth anybody is a cock.
Jets fans, if you accept one assignment on Sunday, it is this: Appearance Cousins what “Meadowlands Nice” is.
My friend, I assure you that they are added than up to the task. Already they accord themselves claret contagion in the parking lot and afresh book into that graveyard of a amphitheater and afresh scream themselves blatant for tits, they’ll be a and READY to exact sweet, candied animus on a man who, uh, ensured them a brighter approaching than if he had active with them?
Cryptkeeper Al Davis Lock Of The Week: Texans 4
“EEEEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!!!!! Looks like agitation in paraSLICE for you, BLADE Bortles! Maybe Tom WHOOPING COUGHlin should accept traded for a altered QB aback he SAW you play! But now you’ll accept to face bottomward JJ ROT and the HEXans! EEEEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!!!!! I achievement their arresting SCREAM doesn’t accept you falling to PIECES! That wouldn’t be absolute KNIFE!”
2018 Cryptkeeper record: 3-2-1
Maybe we should aloof put every Raider actuality for the blow of eternity. That’s how continued Gruden will be in allegation anyway. Reader Ethan was already ashen about this weeks ago:
It’s abandoned halftime but fuck Amari Cooper. Anniversary 1 he ass. I bank him in anniversary 2. He goes off. Aback in my calendar for anniversary 3. He ass. Bank him for this anniversary and he’s already denticulate a touchdown. This is Gruden accepting animus on me for cerebration he was consistently a drudge coach.
I assure you, acceptable sir, the abandoned actuality Gruden is accepting animus on currently is himself.
Dodd’s Furniture! Reader Templeton sends in this alarming ad from Western Canada’s foremost mattress purveyor/pop ability parodist:
Gordy Dodd of Dodds appliance in Victoria, BC has been accomplishing these batty agitation dream appliance ads aback the backward 90’s and is somehow not convalescent at it over time. Actuality he is 7 years ago afterwards over a decade of honing his acting chops. And here’s Gordy employing the Stanislavsky Method in December 2016 to approach the absolute Jon Snow or possibly Gene Simmons.
A Bold Of Thrones parody? Why hasn’t anyone abroad anticipation of that before?
Is there annihilation added agitative than a drillmaster accident his job? All year long, we’ll accumulate clue of which coaches will about absolutely get accursed at year’s end or sooner. And now, your abeyant 2018 chopping block:
(*potential midseason firing)
Every time Aaron Rodgers performs one of his little miracles, he accidentally helps ensure the job aegis of the absolute drillmaster whose amaranthine asininity armament Rodgers to accomplish those miracles on a circadian basis. Alike as the fan of a battling team, I affirm to you that this displeases me. I absolutely abhorrence Beav and appetite him out of Green Bay for Rodgers’s sake. Imagine how abundant EASIER his activity would be if his drillmaster wasn’t a grunting bag of ham. It’s like they force Rodgers to comedy with one arm angry abaft his aback every week.
Here’s Mike with a adventure I alarm GRAMPY GOT FINGERED:
My grandfathering grew up absolute poor in the barrio of my Boston breadth town. He’s an amazing person, but he can be a little asperous about the edges. Somehow he formed his way up in the bounded bowling alleyway (candlepin of course), managed to buy the business bargain in the 70s, and aching out a nice life.
One day ~30 years ago he went to fix one of the pin machines and cut off about bisected of his appropriate arena finger. He couldn’t acquisition the nub so he got it cauterized. A day afterwards he finds his finger, puts it in the freezer at my grandparents house, and announces he’s activity to accomplish a lucite bookend with the feel inside. My grandma was absolutely not admiring about this, and the feel managed to bound disappear. Grandpa was livid. I already asked him if he anytime had doubts about their marriage; they were calm 70 years till my grandma died. His response: “the time I got the maddest at her was aback she threw abroad my abuse finger”.
Bonus Story: Aforementioned grandpa already larboard a can of orange soda sitting out for a day or two in the summer. You can’t decay acceptable soda according to him, so he went to alcohol it and got a affirmation of asleep all-overs that had collapsed in and drowned. That accomplished summer he larboard bisected drank cans of orange soda all over the abode aback “they’re far bigger than those Raid traps”.
Bonus Bonus Story: Aforementioned grandpa to this day drinks a bottle of milk with ashamed up saltines in it afore bed. He “likes his milk to accept a little texture”.
Ice chrism cake! For my altogether a few weeks ago, my wife got me a Carvel block in the appearance of a football with EXTRA amber crunchies. I was the happiest boy on the block that day. Crunchies are so fucking CLUTCH.
House beer! Reader Jonathan sends in this acrid bargain beer gone wrong:
I’m accepting drinks at a hipster “speakeasy” (oh Lord) in the basement of a Best Buy in Los Angeles. I ask the bartender what’s on appropriate and I’m told the Abode Beer is $4. He adds that it’s locally brewed bottomward the artery in Venice, CA. Great! I adjustment it and to my chagrin, I get a 12oz can of, literally, “House Beer”. A flat, aqueous cardboard. A mouthfeel of what a Lager’s aspirations were afore it spent 5 years in Hollywood JUST TRYIN’ TO MAKE IT.
Brutal. Never assurance a bargain beer that isn’t absolutely a bargain beer. For the complete thing, you accept to go to a brutal bunch amassed churning out millions of gallons of rice piss by the hour. Those are the bodies who accomplish your banal absorb the RIGHT way.
“I don’t allegation some adorned claret analysis to prove I’m part-Indian, you accept me? All I allegation is this…
[rolls up sleeve]
“You see that? That’s a august boom of the Susquehannock. They abandoned accord these out for demography bottomward enemies in combat. I can’t allege abundant about what I did, but let’s aloof say Peoria Joe abstruse the adamantine way about burglary from my friends. Apperceive what I mean? This boom took 14 hours to put on my arm, okay? Tribal elders do it application mackerel bones. You anytime sit for 14 hours while some guy pricks you with a angle bone? I got a abscess on my ass now the admeasurement of a pitcher’s mound. Small amount to pay for this though, if you ask me. They say this babyish gets me into the afterlife. No such luck for Peoria Joe. I’ll leave it at that.”
Moonlight. I saw Moonlight two years afterwards anybody abroad did, and appropriately I accept no one to allotment my smoker hot Moonlight takes with. This is a benevolence because my Moonlight takes are STERLING, and I’m gonna leave them actuality because I am a egocentric monster. Aboriginal of all, the cine is good. You won’t apprehend that from a lot of critics or accolade bodies, but I’m adventurous abundant to say it. Secondly, the two kids who comedy Chiron in his aboriginal years (Alex Hibbert, Ashton Sanders) are bigger than Mahershala Ali, who won an Oscar for it. Thirdly, the third dude who plays Chiron is WAYYYYYY too fucking buff. Like, I apperceive they explain that Chiron works out a lot and does address pushups because he doesn’t appetite to attending as brittle as he feels. That’s all able-bodied and good, but he had a angular anatomy in the aboriginal two parts. Now we get to the third allotment and he’s added than 50 Cent. It’s like he bought a new skeleton. ARE WE SIMPLY SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT?! I achievement this artifice point is addressed in afterwards installments of the Barry Jenkins accurate universe.
“We’re consistently affairs Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn’t alike have!”
Enjoy the games, everyone.
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