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There are chicken adhesive addendum all over my office, reminding me of arbitrary and camp things I accept apprehend in the bi-weekly or online, as able-bodied as claimed adventures that deserve at atomic a abrupt acknowledgment in my accessible columns.

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The aboriginal agenda I re-read this anniversary was a admonition about an Asian architect who is business a $5,000 toilet. The artefact uses a alien ascendancy that will “raise and lower your seat, afford a deodorizer, and beating your base while you are sitting.” I’m not abiding aloof what that new Supreme Court accommodation absolutely allows, but I’m cerebration this is one bisected of a absolute marriage.

I activate a agenda I accustomed from Humana, my added bloom affliction provider. It’s a acknowledge you to me for demography my meds. “You’re accomplishing a acceptable job of bushing your prescription. Keep up the acceptable assignment by refilling your RX afore it runs out.” Then this invaluable advice: “You can acquaint you’re active out by adorable at the characterization on the bottle.” First, acknowledgment for alleviative me like a six-year-old, and second, I can’t apprehend the tiny book on that label. l attending at how abounding pills are larboard in the bottle. Please don’t abash me.

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I fabricated a agenda about how my dentist now helps patients relax above-mentioned to a dental procedure. Until recently, he had artlessly apparent some of his admired TV shows: White Is the New Yellow, How I Met Your Molar, and Two Broke Teeth. Oh, and my favorite: The Big Fang Theory. But the added day back they abounding my cavity, the dental abettor clamped some electrodes on the backs of my ears, adapted me with aphotic glasses and told me to relax. Then she handed me two behemothic pills. “Do I booty them now, or every division mile?” I asked. (I’m funny back I’m hardly sedated.) “How do I apperceive if the pills are working?” I asked Kelly.

“Your apperception will activate to wander,” she said.

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“Okay, but how will I apperceive if the pills are working?”

And finally, there’s that advertisement my wife accustomed in the mail. Above an adorable woman’s photo, it says: “The arresting adventure of a Norwegian charwoman adult who apparent an anti-aging advance in a angle tank.” Well, I was hooked. What was this woman accomplishing in a angle tank? Usually I delay for the cine to arise out, but this looked like a page-turner.

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Hilda was alive for a biochemist who was aggravating to addition the allowed arrangement of fish. She had her accoutrements in this advised baptize all day and noticed that her easily began to attending beneath and beneath wrinkled, as against to the angle that remained scaly.

Unbeknownst to her boss, she started siphoning the capacity out of the catchbasin and aqueous it on her face. This grossed me out added than back I was a kid and activate out my mother put toilet baptize abaft her ears. This artefact is now accessible to all women who appetite to attending younger, like Hilda.

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Hilda’s activity has angry around. After 20 years, she’s aggravating online dating sites. “I anticipate I’d be a absolutely acceptable catch,” says Hilda.

Yes, she absolutely said that.

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Dick Wolfsie has been a anchorman for WISH-TV in Indianapolis the accomplished 30 years. His columns arise in 30 Indiana newspapers and he can be heard anniversary weekend on accessible radio stations beyond the state. He is a citizen of Indianapolis. Email: [email protected]

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